The Four Myths of Emotions at Work-By Derek Olsen

Leadership depends on the quality of relationships, and here at The Dede Henley Group, we encourage leaders to be authentic with their emotions in order to build trust.  Much has been written about emotional intelligence (EQ) and emotional literacy.  The key factors are: know your own emotions, empathize with others, and manage your response to emotions.  Emotions play a significant and often unspoken role in organizations, and a powerful way to develop greater EQ is to challenge common beliefs about feelings in the workplace.

Myth #1: Feelings don’t belong in the workplace.

Your feelings go everywhere we go.  You can choose how transparent to be about them.  Your body language probably communicates your feelings more than you realize, and being up front about what you are feeling validates your co-workers’ experience of you.  Being honest about emotional reactions creates opportunities for co-workers to know and understand you better, and also signals to your team that it’s safe for them to have their feelings.

Myth #2: There are bad feelings.

Emotions are neither good nor bad.  They simply are what they are: a bodily response to your interpretation of your surroundings.  When you judge your feelings as being bad or wrong, you make yourself wrong for having the feeling.  Consider that emotions are raw data indicating that you might want to pay closer attention to something.  Feelings remind you to check in with your intuition.

Myth #3: You can control your feelings.

Your body often decides for you what you feel, when, and how intensely.  What you can change are the thoughts that generate and intensify your feelings.  You can also separate your feelings from your behaviors, and consciously respond to the feelings you are having.  The word emotion is based on the Latin emovere, meaning "move out.”  Allow your feelings to move through you, and be intentional about your actions.  Sometimes it can be as simple as saying, “I’m sad.”  This may also positively impact your physical health.

Myth #4: Feelings are caused by other people.

You may say things like “she made me mad,” or “I might make him mad.”  Remember, you don’t have the power to control someone else’s emotions.  At times, you may not even be able to control your own!  Feelings are mostly created by thoughts and beliefs, and there’s evidence that energy stored in your body from past experiences can also trigger emotions.  Take care of your own feelings, and let others can take care of theirs.

The vitality of an organization can be measured by the amount of trust among the relationships of the people within it.  As a leader, it’s your responsibility to model what it takes to build strong, trusting relationships.  You also have the opportunity to foster a culture in your organization that allows others the safety and freedom to be themselves. Disrupt these four myths and you are well on your way to a more trusting, healthy and therefore productive organization.

Think Big: "Create Your Reality"-Written By Dede Henley

Your words, your thoughts create your reality.  Do you know this?

Most of us have no desire for that level of daily accountability, to say “Yes I created ____” (fill in the blank).  We tell ourselves it is so much easier to simply blame others,  our circumstances, or current situations for why life isn’t working.  Consider that this power, that we indeed create our life, may be good news!  I invite you to consider this idea, to play with it as a means to truly step into your highest leadership.

If you knew you could create your reality, then what would you create? 

Think big, be outrageous, have fun!  Byron Katie offers "It is the story we tell ourselves about our life that is the problem, not our life".  It all begins with a thought, a story, an idea.  You can change the world – we start first with yours.

I’m not talking about goals, though that may be part of it.  Consider what would give you a life you love.  See if you can identify what’s not working right now and whether or not you can change it.  If it’s not changeable, what are the “walls”, the immovable things in it?  Examine your own thoughts.  Do you have any limiting beliefs, thoughts that may be keeping you stuck?  What is the story you are telling yourself?

Begin to create a reality that works for you.  Think big.  Create the ideal job, the ideal relationship, the perfect environment for you, the lifestyle you love, the circle of friends you want to be surrounded by, the adventures and experiences that will uplift you.  You grow and expand what you pay attention to. 

We invite you spend time on and pay attention to a life that works for you. Write it down and read it out loud at least once a day for 40 days.  You’ll be amazed what you can create!

Define Your Gifts. Choose Your Habits.

Research by Phillippa Lally and colleagues at the University College of London and published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that it takes anywhere from 21 to 254 days to establish a habit.  That is to move a behavior, or thought, to what is called unconscious competence.  Once the habit is formed, it is with us for good, a permanent “track” stored in our brains. 

The question is:

 "What habits are we forming?".

Our invitation to you, is to start looking for what new habits there are to form.  Habits that build on your gifts, while expanding and enriching the lives of those you surround yourself with both professionally and personally.  We say forming new habits, that push the boundaries beyond what we think is possible, creates challenge and therefore growth in four domains: our intellect, our physical selves, our emotional intelligence and our spirit.  Conscious engagement and learning in these four domains creates great leaders. 

As you begin to define what new habits are wanting, ask yourself these questions:

• What is possible by me taking on this habit?
• How will this habit serve others?
• How much risk am I willing to take on behalf of something new?
• What doubts do I hold about starting this new habit?
• What agreements am I willing to make?
• What structure(s) will support this new habit?
• How will I know I succeeded?

In “Community.  The Structure of Belonging” Peter Block says “We are not defined by deficiencies or what is missing. We are defined by our gifts and what is present.  We choose our destiny when we have the courage to acknowledge our own gifts and choose to bring them into the world.”

This is the invitation:  Define your gift, choose your habits, create a practice, and bring in into the world.

Be Willing To Do What You Don’t Want To

All it takes to transform your life is willingness. This was one of the first distinctions my coach, Sheila Peralta, taught me.  Willingness, as an access to transformation, is simply being willing to do what you don’t want to.  

We tend to gravitate toward what we want, what feels good, and what seems easy in the moment.  On the flip side we avoid or resist the difficult, the challenging, and the not so comfortable. This is what we call the stretch zone, where big change, breakthrough and growth are experienced.  

What if you stopped resisting what you don’t want?  What if you welcomed it?  Pulled it toward you?  Leaned into it?  What would life be like if you started doing all those things you just don't want to do?  Are you willing to do, what you don't want to do, on behalf of a life well lived?

Everything in life is your teacher.  This week, stop pushing away what has come to teach you.  Take on doing what you don't want to do, open your arms and say “yes!”.




Written By Dede Henley