Learning to Support in a New Way

by Dede Henley

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. In those times we can learn new skills for coping and living, or we can stay stuck in the pain of the experience.

A month after the death of my daughter, Carly, I am in the midst of learning the landscape of grief and finding new ways of living my life. I am attempting to allow for grief and to stay in the present.

So many compassionate and concerned people have told me that they simply don’t know what to say to me and have asked what they can do. I don’t always know at this point, but I am grateful for their care. The following suggestions by Bob Baugher and Jack Jordan in After Suicide Loss offer some ways to support survivors that help us heal:

• Be a good listener – realize that while you can’t fix grief, you can listen attentively.
• Don’t offer empty words of reassurance (It’ll be okay”) or clichés (“I know how you feel”). The best gift you can give someone who is grieving is to realize that you do not know how he or she feels, but that you are open to being taught what this experience is like.
• Tell survivors that you care and show them.
• Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who died, or tell stories about his or her life.
• Allow the survivor to be in emotional pain. Don’t look for a silver lining – there isn’t one. Don’t say things like, “At least she’s out of pain.”
• Allow the survivor to cry and cry – or to shed no tears at all.
• Be ready to hear, over and over, the story of the person who died; the circumstances of the death; and the current problems of the mourner.
• As months go by, don’t be afraid to ask, “How are you doing with Carly’s death?” If the survivor answers your question, be prepared to simply listen. If the survivor would rather not talk about it at that time, respect the decision.
• Remember the birthday and death day of the person who died and be sure to make a call or mail a card on those days. 
• Realize that each person grieves in his or her own way. Allow the person to feel whatever emotions arise. This includes guilt, anger, and sadness.
• Find practical ways to help the survivor, such as offering to do errands, mowing the lawn, driving the survivor to an appointment, helping with chores, praying together, or simply sitting quietly with the survivor. Ask, “How can I help you?”
• Watch for unhealthy coping behaviors and suggest resources or professional support. Otherwise, accept what may seem to you to be a prolonged period of intense grief reactions.
• Don’t set a timetable for the survivor to be “over it” or “back to normal.” If the survivor seems to have an upsurge of grief even many years later, let the person know that this is quite normal.
• Realize that the suicide has changed this person forever, and that the survivor may carry aspects of grief for the rest of his or her life. Suicide survivors will never be the people they used to be, but they can become stronger and more compassionate as a result of their tragedy. 

Support like this has allowed me to return to work part time with clients that are willing to be flexible with scheduled meetings, to engage with my team as needed to ensure the healthy future of our business, and to continue to honor the human need to grieve.

Compassionate Leadership in Times of Trauma

by Carol Zizzo

When faced with unexpected trauma, a company’s first response is usually shock, followed by a basic survival response. But companies and leaders in trauma must find ways to move forward in the face of an overwhelming urge to stop everything.

On October 6^th, our company experienced a traumatic shock. Our leader, Dede Henley, received the news that her twenty-year-old daughter Carly had committed suicide. We are a small, closely-knit group, and we all knew Carly. Our entire company has experienced a trauma. Now we are faced with the need to work together in new ways to take care of our clients, ourselves, and our business. 

In Leading in Times of Trauma, Jane E. Dutton provides a roadmap for action during times of trauma: the way of the compassionate leader.

During times of collective pain and confusion, compassionate leaders take some form of public action, however small, that is intended to ease people's pain and inspire others to act. Compassionate leaders uniformly provide two things: a "context for meaning"--creating an environment in which people can freely express and discuss how they feel--and a "context for action"--creating an environment in which those who experience or witness pain can find ways to alleviate their own and others' suffering.

Our team and our leader have taken this advice to heart. We are working together to create context and meaning both inside and outside our company. We are providing a context for action that encourages a full range of emotional expression and ways to channel those feelings into something that can make a difference, to the grieving and to those who never knew Carly.

As part of creating an environment for people to freely express and discuss how they feel, Dede has courageously embraced thousands of grieving young people and has accepted the support of our colleagues and our clients. As the rest of us continue to deliver our work, we are having open conversations about what has happened, as they seem appropriate. We are left with even more appreciation for the courage it takes to lead authentically and compassionately during times of great challenge.

We are seeking actions that help us move toward healing and purpose. One of the ways our company and Dede’s family have responded to our crisis is the creation and support of the Carly Henley Project. This context for action is helping us address our grief openly and to move our experience into the community with purpose.

We are different now. Each day we are stretched into new experiences of collaboration and leadership. We have a much deeper and richer context for our work and for what is possible when a team is faced with a traumatic event. We are leaning into the relationships we have built over the last seven years for the support we need to take great care of our business.

We are learning that catastrophe speeds up a collaborative process. We suspend the obstacles that the mind creates; the heart opens; and actions that didn’t seem reasonable or possible take flight. As we follow Dutton’s advice, we are coming together in new and surprising ways in our work and our relationships.

We are deeply grateful for the amazing community generosity, the acts of service and support from our clients and professional colleagues, and all the shared moments that are impossible to adequately speak. We are learning new meanings for compassionate leadership.

Creating a "Workable" Life

Part of being a true leader is being able to be honest about both what is working well and what’s not working in any given situation. To do that, you must be paying attention – mostly to your own gut and sensibilities. You know when something isn’t working because generally people are suffering and struggling. It doesn’t work to force an outcome, to make something happen. I’ve come to trust that if I have to force something, it may not be time for this particular thing to come to fruition.

Consider that life can be much more effortless. You really can find the path of least resistance. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyicalls this “Flow.” According to Csíkszentmihályi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In “flow,” the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task.

I say, to get there, you need to identify what’s not working in your life – at work, at home, in all the roles you play. Make a list (yes, it might be long!). Then, ask yourself what’s needed to have each of the things that currently doesn’t work, work?

As many of you know, I have traveled to clients as part of my consulting practice for many years. My children have grown up with this. As they grew, my middle daughter became more vocal about her unhappiness with my work. I felt guilty every time I went to work. It was an area of life that wasn’t working for me.

I know this is a challenge for many women. Carol Evans, CEO and President of Working Mother magazine, calls this “The National Guilt Trip.” It’s what happens when you take 24 million working mothers and put them into offices and communities that cling to the concept that men should work and moms should stay home. This cultural contradiction plagues us. We want to work, in some cases we need to work, and many of us love to work. And we love our families. Women become paralyzed by this contradiction.

One day, my daughter, Carly, met me at the door at the end of a five-day business trip. She was 15. She said to me, “I need you at home. I need a mom right now.” She was clear. She knew what would work for her and what wasn’t. The truth was, after nearly 20 years on the road, it really wasn’t working for me either, though I could not see the alternatives. But, my daughter’s truth rang clear. I needed to work closer to home.

Within six months, I was off the road. I had cultivated clients right here in the Seattle area, something I had not considered doable before. I could now enroll in classes and actually be able to attend them. I could now participate more actively in my community. I love life off the road. And it works for me, for my family and for my consulting practice.

What’s not working in your life? Listen to the complaints of those you love. Underneath it may be something that really doesn’t work. Start to create workability in every area of your leadership and life.