The Five-Second Connection By Jan Shannon

You hear it every time you go to the mall or the grocery store:  “Mommy? Mommy? Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!” The longer it takes to get Mommy’s attention, the louder and longer the shrieks become. When the harried mother finally tunes in to what the child needs, decibel levels return to normal. Until the next time.

Our team members may not scream at us verbally for attention, yet the quality of their work and level of commitment depend upon the quality of our relationships. Being fully present with another—taking time to listen and really see them—automatically communicates value and appreciation.

What is the cost to a team of having a leader who is not fully present? Plenty. According to the U.S. Department of Labor, 64 percent of Americans who leave their jobs say they do so because they don’t feel appreciated. Direct reports need to feel valued and seen by their bosses; those who don’t, over time, can become disengaged. Valuable talent can be lost without the “care and feeding” your team members need from you.

Since many leaders have trouble finding even 10 minutes in their day to connect with their direct reports, I’ve been experimenting with a practice I’m calling “The Five-Second Connection.” Here’s how it works:

1. When a team member or direct report calls or walks in and interrupts whatever you are doing, stop completely (or ask them to wait a moment while you finish your thought). 
2. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind of whatever you were just working on. Turn to fully face the person with your hands free. If it’s a phone interaction, let your eyes rest on something restful and positive, like a nature scene outside the window or a photo of a loved one on your desk.
3. Notice your own internal state. Gently let go of any tensions, distractions, or emotions. Take another deep breath and find the part of you that is open, curious, and grounded.
4. Allow yourself to notice or remember something you appreciate about the person. Connect to your genuine caring about her.
5. Look the person in the eye. What can you perceive about her state of mind just by looking at her? Notice if there is tension in her face. Is she smiling? Does she seem upset? For phone calls, tune in carefully to the person’s tone, volume, tenor, and pace.
6. Listen.

I am finding that this practice gets faster and faster the more I do it; five seconds was more of a goal than a reality at the beginning. The payoff has been rich.

I am hearing more of what people are saying—and not saying. I am more readily feeling and offering appreciation. I am able to connect at a deeper level in a very short period of time.  People seem more willing to talk with me about their concerns. I believe trust is being built, and those around me are feeling more respected.

Your working relationships are well worth five seconds. What breakthroughs might you have by adopting this simple practice?

(By the way:  this practice is recommended for interactions with your kids and spouses, too.)

Courageous Leadership and Self Reflection-By Carol Zizzo

Pema Chödrön speaks beautifully about courageous leadership in her book, “The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times.” Courageous leaders understand that creating positive change starts with a willingness to discover and reflect upon limiting thoughts and beliefs. Courageous leaders are warriors on behalf of their organization’s growth and development. They maintain a practice of self-reflection that allows for any outmoded beliefs to fall away, making room for what is needed now.

“The essence of bravery is being without self-deception,” writes Chödrön. “However, it’s not so easy to take a straight look at what we do. Seeing ourselves clearly is initially uncomfortable and embarrassing. As we train in clarity and steadfastness, we think we’d prefer to deny judgmentalness, pettiness, arrogance.  These are not sins but temporary and workable habits of mind. The more we get to know them, the more they lose their power. This is how we come to trust that our basic nature is utterly simple, free of struggle between good and bad.”

“A warrior begins to take responsibility for the direction of her life. It’s as if we are lugging around unnecessary baggage. Our training encourages us to open the bags and look closely at what we are carrying. In doing this we begin to understand that much of it isn’t needed anymore.”

Be a courageous leader. Make time for self-reflection. Decide what’s not needed anymore and let it go. Take a quiet walk in the woods or do some reflective writing. Close your office door for a couple of hours on a regular basis to just simply be quiet. As you may know, the world of work is very noisy with many distractions.  A courageous leader finds ways to enter silence in order to listen to their instincts and deepest sensibilities. Consider, too, that you don’t have to do this alone. Find a trusted friend, a mentor, or a trained coach, that will listen to you think out loud. Your organization will be better for it, and so will you.

Earning the Right to Coach

This idea of managers becoming coaches is certainly being talked about, taught about and experimented with a lot these days. In general, I love the idea. The skills of a good coach include active listening, providing constructive feedback, and collaborative problem-solving. And doesn’t all of that sound good?

I love what my friend Gregg Thompson, CEO of BluePoint Leadership wrote about what it takes to earn the right to coach: “First and foremost managers can be trusted. They are solid. Today, the over-used term authenticity describes this managerial trait. These truly are authentic managers, managers who are clear about their personal values and act on them every day.

Second, they have high levels of self-esteem (not to be confused with egoism). These managers are aware of their own strengths and can focus on the challenges of others without having to work on their own insecurities. In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Nathaniel Branden wrote, "Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality...intuitiveness, creativity, flexibility...benevolence and cooperation."

Lastly, they have noble intentions. There are many reasons why managers want to coach. They may want to have personal influence, be seen as competent, make a contribution, be liked and respected, leave a legacy or simply be in service to others. Whatever their motives, the managers who successfully coach make it very obvious that their primary intention is to help and would subordinate their own needs to do so.”

If you are authentic, have a healthy sense of self-esteem and noble intentions, then you have earned the right to coach.