Learning to Support in a New Way

by Dede Henley

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. In those times we can learn new skills for coping and living, or we can stay stuck in the pain of the experience.

A month after the death of my daughter, Carly, I am in the midst of learning the landscape of grief and finding new ways of living my life. I am attempting to allow for grief and to stay in the present.

So many compassionate and concerned people have told me that they simply don’t know what to say to me and have asked what they can do. I don’t always know at this point, but I am grateful for their care. The following suggestions by Bob Baugher and Jack Jordan in After Suicide Loss offer some ways to support survivors that help us heal:

• Be a good listener – realize that while you can’t fix grief, you can listen attentively.
• Don’t offer empty words of reassurance (It’ll be okay”) or clichés (“I know how you feel”). The best gift you can give someone who is grieving is to realize that you do not know how he or she feels, but that you are open to being taught what this experience is like.
• Tell survivors that you care and show them.
• Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who died, or tell stories about his or her life.
• Allow the survivor to be in emotional pain. Don’t look for a silver lining – there isn’t one. Don’t say things like, “At least she’s out of pain.”
• Allow the survivor to cry and cry – or to shed no tears at all.
• Be ready to hear, over and over, the story of the person who died; the circumstances of the death; and the current problems of the mourner.
• As months go by, don’t be afraid to ask, “How are you doing with Carly’s death?” If the survivor answers your question, be prepared to simply listen. If the survivor would rather not talk about it at that time, respect the decision.
• Remember the birthday and death day of the person who died and be sure to make a call or mail a card on those days. 
• Realize that each person grieves in his or her own way. Allow the person to feel whatever emotions arise. This includes guilt, anger, and sadness.
• Find practical ways to help the survivor, such as offering to do errands, mowing the lawn, driving the survivor to an appointment, helping with chores, praying together, or simply sitting quietly with the survivor. Ask, “How can I help you?”
• Watch for unhealthy coping behaviors and suggest resources or professional support. Otherwise, accept what may seem to you to be a prolonged period of intense grief reactions.
• Don’t set a timetable for the survivor to be “over it” or “back to normal.” If the survivor seems to have an upsurge of grief even many years later, let the person know that this is quite normal.
• Realize that the suicide has changed this person forever, and that the survivor may carry aspects of grief for the rest of his or her life. Suicide survivors will never be the people they used to be, but they can become stronger and more compassionate as a result of their tragedy. 

Support like this has allowed me to return to work part time with clients that are willing to be flexible with scheduled meetings, to engage with my team as needed to ensure the healthy future of our business, and to continue to honor the human need to grieve.